It’s almost every night. Around 4am. I wake up with this seizing, chest clinching, guilt ridden panic’d feeling that throws me out of rem and awake into reality. And I cry out for calm to my heart….
Lately I live in this space in my head where I feel like everyone in my family needs something from me and I cannot no matter how hard I try, meet everyone’s needs. I try playing with Hanalei, making tea time extra special so she can still be a kid and doesn’t have to feel like a science experiment, I remember to clean the car, wash the scrubs, pair the socks for AJ so those small inconveniences are off his mind, I purposefully try to hide away little drinks for Gigi (her favorite right now is boxed juice and Hanalei can’t drink them) and hold her just a little longer these days so she doesn’t feel like the world is constantly Hanalei, Hanalei dr appointments, Hanalei specialist visits, Hanalei diet restrictions. I’m try to constantly remember small things that can really help enrich my family’s life, to go that extra mile so they all feel their needs are met, and yet… every night, guilt rips me out of my deep sleep and slaps me in the face. Why don’t I feel like it’s enough? When do we ever feel like it’s enough? Is this just the season I’m in? The season of constant doubt. Does anyone know this feeling? Been through this season?
// I’m feeling very stretched thin, and the bands of rubber are starts to fray and break. And yet every night…
17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.