My little Hanalei had some Big feelings this afternoon. She couldn’t quite explain to me why she was feeling so sad, she just whined and moaned and cried for hours while every now and then letting out small indistinguishable words. I began to get frustrated as I wanted to get to the bottom of what was wrong and was finding no solution. As I drilled more and more into her asking her questions like “well, does something hurt?” Or “can you use any words to tell me why you’re sad?” I started to realize something. There are times when even I do not know why I am sad and I do not demand such information even out of myself so then, why am I asking more out of my child?
After I realized this, I stopped with the interrogation, I gave her a big hug, kissed her a few times and told her I was here if she needed me or wanted to talk. I felt sick inside. Like a monster. As I watched her slowly walk to the end of our driveway to sit on the curb, my heartbroke and I prayed that I could find a way to fix what I did. Whatever I said. Whatever lack of patience or empathy I had. Then I felt God’s kind words upon my heart “she’s already forgiven you. You have every reason to believe you are still a good mother.”. As I watched her proceed to sit on the curb, alone, I thought, in her own way, she was probably pondering her own feelings. However toddlers deal with their big feelings. She sat and thought about hers as I prayed about mine.
I gave her another 10mins or so until I went over to her again. I gave her a hug and asked if she wanted some juice. She looked up at me, smiled and said “okay mommy”. Later on after she had her juice she told me she missed Daddy. And wanted to stay up and wait for him to come home after Gigi went to bed. I said okay. Her sadness was stemming from missing her dad.
I’m not a perfect parent. I make mistakes. Big ones sometimes. But I do think it’s important to share when we fall and learn. Maybe I’m a little hard on Hanalei. Maybe she needs more help than I thought. I’m not sure. But I do know I was wrong. And that forgiveness and grace is real, and without it I’d be so lost. I’d be lost. I’d be alone. You too? ♥️